Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
