So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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