Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
