yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just pee around me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
