Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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