I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
