So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
