he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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