New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im six kinds of drunk right now
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
