4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
