I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize