Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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