his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
