We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
