I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
