The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
