I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
