Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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