I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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