a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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