he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His hands were made for my vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
