I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
