ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
