Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
