Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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