I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
