You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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