.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
