Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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