At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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