I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
