somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
