You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
