I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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