But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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