Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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