If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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