I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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