Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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