so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
