Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
