I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
