So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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