So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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