1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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