you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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