I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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