At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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