there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
