You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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