the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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