Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
