if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
