I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
