The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will be naked everywhere
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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