shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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