Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
