Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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